“I love you”, the child said that with such conviction and glee that it made my day. When I am down and out, I can trust the children to brighten up my day with their antics and their sincerity. Schools are having teacher’s day celebration today and I am no teacher, but I guess, some of them see me as one. They are so excited to make us happy, to give a part of themselves… The child taught me what it means to love. When I scolded one class that day, I articulated how angry and sad I was with them, and the child with that bright gleaming eyes said “but I didn’t want to make you angry”. Within a second, the tears welled up in his eyes and he was all ready to show me the water works. If I say I love my maker, will I do things that will break His heart? If I love somebody, will I feel affected if that person is not in the best of moods? It will. And recently, I also learnt that because I love somebody, I will not say things that will put that will put him in a spot. Oh a side note, I did what a teacher should never do. I forgave the class the moment the boy showed me the water works. Disciplining cutie pies is not my forte. From the children, I also observed their willingness and ability to say things as it is. When someone says things that hurt them, they articulate that emotion, although sometimes I must say they need to learn regulation of emotions too. As an adult, I have grown to be an actor, and forgotten what it means to articulate that emotion. Even if I am hurting inside, I continue the dealings of the day, smiling, laughing, even saying and doing things that will create the impression that all is well and swell. The only thing that is swelling is my aching heart. Unlike children, we sometimes wonder if the compliments that we offer to someone else may give the bystanders the impression that we have a hidden agenda. Sigh, we were all taught to think and we end up thinking too much. I love you. In the midst of the bustle, they have no care about what is going to happen in the moment or the future. What is important is that they tell it as it is, there and then, like it is the most important thing. And yes, to them, loving someone, and telling the person that he/she loves you IS THAT important. And maybe, it is. When a child tells me that, I feel such warmth in my heart, and I go a little dizzy from that confession. Truth is, it made me day. It made me feel like I mattered to someone. The work feels easier, the walk gets lighter. Love is powerful. Love is beautiful. Love can feel magical. And there is one great love that conquered the cross, loved the unlovable, and is still waiting for His people to give their all to Him. Thank you kids <3

I didn’t know how much time I had with this child. He wasn’t my favourite. In fact, he used to make me so fuming mad. Each week, I was peeling him like an onion. Boy was he a tough nut to crack. But work, we must. We fought battles, comforted him, dried those tears, said words of encouragement, prayed...and today, he is a changed boy. I am so proud of this child. The time is up now, and we must soon part ways. I’m really going to miss him. It was then I realized how much I love my job, and that I have grown attached to them....and saying goodbye is tough. This child taught me what it means to be resilient. When I was a child, my parents fought often, and the worst part was when they had cold war. As research has shown, the worst feeling to a child is when their parents do not communicate. I felt that. Despite all that, I am thankful that my parents are still together, and they have always provided all my basic needs. I led a rather sheltered life. The kids brought me to their world...and they challenged me to love them. I did... slowly. It took us weeks to play soccer together. Learning took place outside of the classroom. We sat on the ledge of the street soccer court, at the basketball court, on the floor of the void deck, at the staircase... what an experience. Sometimes I think these kids know better how to deal with some of the issues. What we have to offer is a combination of research materials, what we have learnt and observed, and what we believe. These children live and face those problems and themes everyday. Just like how they showed me a glimpse of their world, I try to offer them a glimpse of my world through the outings, and sharing of my own (though not too personal) stories when we have a moment to share. I am here, hoping that one day the seeds I plant will grow. Thank you child for teaching me. Loyalty is your strength... I’m proud of you. :)

A week passed. The tears have stopped. The heart continues to ache. There are days when I wonder about the possibilities… Some days, I burst out laughing, other times I hide a tiny smile, and other times, my heart aches so badly that I think it’s possible to feel as tragic as King Lear. King Lear, when read and performed, felt melodramatic, there was only so much empathy that we as amateur actors could offer. But that day…he was my friend. Will I find closure? I travel. I work. I laugh. I do the mundane. I seek the word of God. It takes a certain level of maturity to contain your emotions, because as much as we want to be true to ourselves and our emotions, it is also kind and responsible of us if we consider the people around us. When we have certain reactions, we will affect other people. Some people call it noble. I shrug it off, because, really, that’s what my brain is for right? A mind so that I can think, a mind that I can control, a mind to make certain decisions. When things turn topsy-turvy, the stories in the Faraway Tree does not seem so foreign. I wake up some days, pinching myself to check if what happened was true, even so, the pinching does not jolt one back to reality. Everything seems so surreal these days. In my anger, frustration, disappointment, sadness, bitterness, and feelings of inadequacy, words that will hurt, words that will pierce, and words that will not please my maker pops into my mind. It is not easy to fake those smiles, to have those conversations, to juggle and negotiate those emotions, but I will learn to trust in my Maker’s plans. Where will you be 5 years down the road? Where will I be 5 years down the road? None of us have the answer. However, with the little energy and strength left in me,… I find this song extremely apt; from none other than my favourite artist: Rachael Yamagata “So with my best My very best I set you free”

Love Recently I was involved in my best friend’s wedding. When they exchanged the wedding vows during the rehearsal, I felt the gravity of marriage. What does it mean to love somebody? To be willing to spend a lifetime with someone... to accept someone with their baggages, their past, their family, the good and the bad... and if the person is mission minded, to even put aside your own dreams to partner him on this journey...to support him. It scares me. It must have took a lot of courage from my friend to say yes. It’s a long term project. You will constantly have to work on the relationship. Today, I asked my friend out to chill on this beautiful cold Saturday...but because the husband just got home, she decided it was important to spend time with him. Such conscious effort!! Sometimes I think I don’t have the guts to put myself out there. I fear that I may be selfish and unwilling, and hence end up hurting that person. Oh this is so strange.

I have always wondered about the lives of the people in each unit.

That old man who sits at his bed watching television. His eyes looked empty. He suffers from dementia. But that glass cupboard was filled with clothes, probably cotton, all neatly folded and piled on top of the other. His face fascinates me. Those well worn clothes, what stories do they have to tell?

Suddenly, I thought of HP’s art work about loneliness and old age. (Dude, I miss you! Hope you are still creating art!)

It’s easy to lament that growing up is tough!!! Where are there so many decisions to make? Is this the right choice??! What if it’s the wrong choice?! What if I say yes? What if i say no?

Suddenly, growing old seems even scarier when we quietly observe the world around us. Sure, local art house films often try to highlight the darker side of Singapore. It is not a bed of roses. However, watching it on screen has its limits. There is a fourth wall. We are free to be passive, to have little emotion or little impetus to do something. However, those 10 minutes standing outside that stranger’s window, listening to the sound of silence, watching those empty eyes, that neat wardrobe...left me thinking about the aging population in Singapore. Maybe I should do an art piece on it.

A handsome young man warmly welcomed us into his house. There were so many art works in there, but if I could retrace my steps, I remember looking at his physique, the keychain sprawled among the unopened letters, the green old fashion tiles on the floor, the magnets on the fridge, the scent of clean laundry, laundry on the bamboo poles, and then the filled bookshelves. I looked at the book shelves, scanned at the books he read and thought to myself “definitely a well-read man!”.

What about the art? I remember that surreal taped room, the sleeping photos... but being in a stranger’s home called out to me more than the art works. So much of a person’s personality can be read just by observing the little details in that person’s house. Honestly, the art works were not mind blowing. I am not sure if it is because I was more drawn to the idea of being in a stranger’s home, but the art works displayed did not call out to me. I was unable to draw any strong sense of rootedness or significance to the place. Would the works have made a difference to the viewer if it was curated at the museum? The experience would definitely be different but would the message be the same?

How often do we see works today that are just
-paintings
-sculpture

Today, art has evolved to something that actively interacts with the space. Hence, video installations, photo installations, etc...

So how effective was that exhibition that I attended? Hmm...

“What sort of relationship is this? It’s filled with so many disappointments and futile attempts when we try to make it right!”

Oh... Human relationships.

Everyone goes into a relationship expecting something.

A client expects the partner to deliver the promised results
A girl goes into a relationship with certain expectations of the boy. Likewise for the latter.
Parents expect their kids to be obedient
...


Recently, some relationships took a 180 degree turn because our expectations of each other were not well managed. We toed the line and the picture turned ugly. Angry words were exchanged. Anger expressed secretly in the heart. Silent words ensued. And then we asked... Why do we bother? Why are we trying?

Humans. Us. Me.

Did we kill each other with our kitchen knives? Nah. The silence and the eventual words did stab in the end. I could be absolutely jaded, raging mad, and mumbling avada kedera under my breath.

Thank God for Christ for taking all our sin upon that cross.

This was taken from Trawling Tuesdays tumblr. I like it. :)